Hans James Hans
by Captain Juliet
Summary: Humanized: The story of how Hans joined Skipper, Manfreedy and Johnson in the SSS8. The story of how Manfreedy and Johnson died. The story of what happened in Denmark. A bit about Blowhole's mechanical eye. Rated T for the death of two brave secret agents and two dear friends...
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guys. Usually I don't write humanized PoM, but I just had this idea and I initially wrote it as Skipper, Mafreedy and Johnson as penguins but I figure out it would be hard for Hans to be in the agency. Oh well. Enjoy and review!**

Hans and Savio came into Blowhole's lair. "What is it, Dr. Mammal Fish?" Hans said as he rubbed his eyes. "You know I was taking a nap. We were up all night watching that stupid spy movie."

Blowhole spin around to face the puffin and snake. "Trust me," he said. "This is worth it."

Savio raised his hand. "Uh, what exactly is 'this'?" he said, lisping slightly.

"This is one reason why not to call James Bond a stupid movie," Blowhole grinned. "That movie has inspired my new plan to eradicate those pen-gu-ins. I have hacked into the system and found out that the pen-gu-ins are working for a secret spy agency and are on my trail. So I have decided for you to join the pen-gu-ins and spy for me. Any questions so far?"

Savio raised a hand. "Uh, what's 'eradicate'?"

Blowhole adjusted his mechanical eye. "To completely get rid of something."

Savio lowered his hand, then raised it again. "Who's the 'penguins'?"

Blowhole ran a hand through his pale blonde hair. "The code name for Enzo Skipper and his pet crew. Any other questions about my statement?"

Hans's back clicked as he straightened it. "What's the plan?" he asked. "I want to get some rest asap."

Blowhole rubbed his hands gleefully. "I was waiting for that," he grinned and turned back to his computer. "You will join the pen-gu-ins as a secret agent, do missions with them and report to me of any sudden moves coming my way, and possibly classified information. My old chum Skipper may not be willing to tell you, so ask his partners instead. Manfreedy and Johnson, two easy going and naive guys. Exploit the weaknesses of Skipper and the secret agency, that is your main objective. It may take a while, but then again they would take a long while to find me. Any questions?"

Savio raised his hand slowly. "What's 'exploit'?"

Hans folded his arms. "Were you talking to the halfwit or me?"

Blowhole rolled his eyes. Cousins Hans and Savio, two opposite personalities with different skills. Both Hans and Savio were skilled at martial arts, but Hans was the smarter one while his cousin's reflexes were somewhat faster than Hans. Savio was always the slower one, mentally speaking. "Exploit is to get something to give yourself an advantage. And I'm sending you, Hans. What kind of question is that? We wouldn't want that halfwit to be messing up, would we?"

Hans tilted his head back and smiled. He heard Savio ask meekly, "Who's the halfwit we're talking about?"

Blowhole rubbed his eye. "Never mind, Savio. Go get Doris, would you?" Savio nodded and went off while Hans stepped forward.

"It's funny, I find," Hans said, "that you get inspiration from a movie. An old movie at that."

"It's an old one but a good one," Blowhole snapped. "First of all, you need an undercover name. James?"

Hans rubbed his chin. "James Hans? Isn't that taking the Bond thing a bit too far?"

Blowhole clapped his hand. "It sounds nice. Not as nice as Bond, but it sounds nice and suave."

"I am suave without adding James to my name," Hans snorted.

Blowhole coughed. "Yes yes, always having a way with the ladies. But you need to have an undercover name, Hans. Or should I say, James?" Hans groaned.

"Hans... James Hans," Blowhole continued. "How does that sound?"

"It sounds like a rip-off," Hans said drily.

Blowhole scowled. "I'm not forcing you to do this, you know. I can always get that halfwit to do it."

Hans actually stamped his foot. "You can't do that! He's an airhead. Savio can't do this sort of thing! He'll be spouting more secrets than he gathers."

Blowhole shook his head slowly. "Such hurting words towards your cousin, Hans." He turned back to his computer while Hans pulled himself a chair and said, "Very well, Dr mammal fish. Only because of the halfwit."

"Don't call me that! My name is Blowhole but I am not a dolphin!" Blowhole said and he pounded his desk. Hans shrugged as the door slid open and Doris stepped in. The slim Asian lady had large brown eyes and straight dark brown hair tied up in a ponytail. She was wearing a grey top and a blue pencil skirt. "Blowhole? You called me?" she asked.

"Yes. Get me some breakfast, would you?" Blowhole said without looking up.

Hans raised a finger. "One cuppacino for me."

Doris winked at Hans and left. Hans inclined his head once more, closing his eyes. Sure, he was sent on many missions to get top secret gadgets and whatnots, but that was because he was dealing with girls. Girls who were giggling in his arms and spouting secret passcodes like a tap gushes water. But this... James Hans? Seriously?

"I just we'll have to tweak it a bit. I do have gadgets for you, James," Blowhole said and sank back into his modified wheelchair with only one wheel and many stabalisers. "We'll get you an old fashioned gun with my touch of hi tech death gizmos, couple of bottles of

everyday stuff with stuff like acid in them, uh... Sunglasses cum spy glasses? How about that, Hans? Hans?"

Blowhole looked back and found that Hans fell asleep on the couch. "We shall talk about it when you are feeling less sleepy... And when you get your cuppacino."

"Doris, please wake up our dear Hans please," Blowhole said as he picked at his food. "What is this? Muck?"

"You're repeating yourself," Doris said stiffly. "And you told me to make you breakfast. This is cereal in milk. Your breakfast. Eat and shut up."

"Being my junior you are mean," Blowhole muttered.

Doris scowled and wished that she had given him sour milk instead. They met in school when the seniors had to show the juniors around the school. Blowhole sort of fell for Doris, and they kept in touch. Though Blowhole did admit his infatuation, he would say he got over Doris already so shut up before I vaporize you, Red one. She tapped Hans on the shoulder with two slender fingers. "Get up, James. Your cappuccino is getting cold."

Hans rubbed his eyes. "Not you too," he muttered as he stretched, hitting Blowhole. "Now what?"

Blowhole was delighted that Hans was awake and got up, leaving his soggy breakfast. "Right, agent James. I shall brief you on what your gadgets do before I drop you off in enemy territory."

Doris sat on the arm of the couch while Hans sipped his cappuccino. "I thought it was agent Hans?" he said, raking his fingers through spiky jet black hair.

"Whatever. Now would you please look at this," Blowhole said as he picked up something black from his rack. "A pea-shooter?" Hans yawned. "Of all fancy gadgets in the world?" Doris giggled behind her hand.

One reason why Blowhole liked Savio better was because he had no smarting remarks, but he burned out his patience faster. Still, they were his best agents, the rest dumb enough to activate his colouring gun in the laundry room, thus the labels "Red one" to his minions. "A normal pea-shooter, you may say," he said, forcing himself not to show his ugly side to Doris. "Normal, with a laser cum light sabre set into it and a holographic projection of a fish."

Hans set his cup down at the mention of light sabres. "Where is this wonder gun?" he asked gleefully. A light sabre. He always wanted that. Cool and dangerous and deadly. Like him.

He picked up the sleek black weapon. "May I test it?" he asked, checking it. He opened the handle and turned the knob from "gun" to "light sabre". He pulled the trigger and a beam of red light shot out from the muzzle. He waved it around, fencing with the air. Blowhole nodded nervously. "Ah... Could you stop that before you break anything?"

Hans switched the mode. "Fish mode?" Hans said as he looked at Blowhole. "Really, mammal fish?"

Hans switched to fish mode and the gun turned into a fish once he pulled the trigger. "Is this going to help me?"

Blowhole was trying not to laugh at the sight of Hans with a fish in his hand. "Ah... No... But seeing as you'll be having that for a while, that's for calling me Dr mammal fish," he said and burst out laughing. Hans scowled and turned it back into a gun.

Blowhole stopped laughing as Doris raised her eyebrow. He coughed. "Ahem. As I was saying, other than the gun I will be giving you this." Hans took the watch from Blowhole and tried it on. "It has a mini computer if you touch the screen thrice. From there you would be able to contact me, access the Internet, activate sleeping gas, truth syrup, mini laser etcetera, etcetera."

"Is that all?"

Blowhole plucked sunglasses from the rack. "Let me guess. Spy glasses," Hans guessed. Blowhole put it over his eyes, which was hard fitting it over his mechanical eye, and pressed something at the side. "Ultra-red, ultra-violet, x-Ray, sunglasses and many others."

Hans tried it on and Doris clapped her hands. "Now what?" he asked. Blowhole turned back to his computer. "What do you think?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi there. This is the second chapter of my story and I want to say thank you to patient935 and Serenade for following my story and reviewing. I just felt like giving these two (two only. Never mind) special mention because I really appreciate that my story is loved! Especially I just got back my End Of Year results and I am crying over my History results so I am currently "emotionally unstable" (I quote from my teacher). Heh, anyway I decided to channel my angst into this, killing who could be Skipper's best friends... Before I get some ice cream to drown my sadness, that is. Then all my angst will be gone. But I had fun killing Johnson, especially Johnson... Hehehe... but that bit won't come so soon. This is what happens on Skipper's side, what with me painting a weird picture of the villains in the previous chapter. Thanks again to you two awesome peeps! You guys all know how you just feel like hugging the person who reviewed or followed or whatever so... ooh, ice cream!**

"Left," Skipper said.

Manfreedy cocked his gun, turned left around the corner and fired rapidly. "Up," Skipper said as Johnson climbed on him and opened the air conditioner vent. Johnson went in first and pulled Skipper up, then closed the vent. "Section 3," Skipper said to Manfreedy. Manfreedy stopped shooting to show that he understood and started running from security.

Skipper and Johnson crawled as fast as they could, climbing up here and sliding down there. They reached section 3 and Johnson pulled Manfreedy out as Skipper picked off a couple of guards. Then they ran out, activated their jet packs and flew off.

"Skipper, behind you!" Johnson yelled over the whir of the jetpack. Skipper spun around and jerked sideways as a missile sailed past him. "Tactical manouvre, guys," Skipper called.

The three split, Johnson going left, Manfreedy going right and up while Skippper plunged down. Missiles twisted, turned and slammed into each other as the three agents crossed each other. "Incoming!" Manfreedy shouted.

The three changed course. "Pass me the files," Skipper shouted. Johnson flung the thumb drive to Skipper and flew away. Skipper went into a steep dive as three missiles went after him. Just as he was about to hit the water, he pulled upwards as two missiles splashed in

the water. The last one found it's mark on Skipper's jetpack, exploding it to bits. Skipper, screaming, saw his comrades coming for him. In the few seconds when he was about to hit the water, he flung the thumb drive up as high as he could possibly throw. Then he hit the water and guessed he broke something upon impact as he heard a sickening crack.

Manfreedy caught the thumb drive while Johnson hauled Skipper out. "Enzo, you alright?" Johnson asked. He was using Skipper's first name. He must look pretty bad.

"Many, call the infirmary to gear up. Enzo's in shock now. I guess he broke something," he said as he whizzed past Manfreedy.

Skipper was swept into the infirmary the moment he reached the SSS8 (Secret Spy Sector 8). They say he broke his collarbone and was temporarily out of action. Later Manfreedy and Johnson came to visit Skipper. "That was a pretty risky move there, Skip," Manfreedy said. "You could have died there."

"Yeah, well, at least the files are safe," Skipper said.

"It isn't always about the files, Enzo. This is your life we're talking about. You're one of triple S's best agents. They can't lose you. We can't lose you," Johnson said quietly.

Skipper put a hand on Johnson's. "Marcus Johnson, if it wasn't me it would be you. I'm not saying you're not good, but I can't bear losing you."

Manfreedy scratched his head. "We can't either, Enzo."

Skipper sighed as he adjusted himself on his pillow. "Okay, now that I'm out of action, what about you guys?"

Johnson tapped Skipper's bed. "Rockgut said we'd get a rookie to join us. We told him to send him here so you can approve of him, because he will be here for a while as triple S trains him if he passes."

Skipper touched his collarbone and bandages on his chest where the missile burnt him. "I'm sorry guys," he sighed as someone knocked on the door. "Come in."

A shy guy in his mid twenties came in, closing the door behind him. He had jet black hair which was gelled into pointed spikes and was wearing a black shirt and pants. He had a dark complexion and had a pointed nose. "Uh, is this ward 073?" he asked with a slight accent which the three could not put a finger on. Johnson nodded and the guy came in. "Rockgut told me to join you guys. Skipper, Manfreedy and Johnson, right?"

Manfreedy smiled. "Yep. Since you're gonna be part of the team, we should reveal our first names, which are classified until one is in the team. No one else except for us and Rockgut knows our first names." Skipper's expression was etched in stone as his team mates introduced themselves. "I'm Sid Manfreedy, this is Marcus Johnson and Enzo Skipper. What's yours?"

The recruit ran his hand through his spiked hair. "Hans. James Hans."


	3. Chapter 3

**Helloooo~ CJ here. I finally have the time to post this chapter after I don't know how long. I'm doing fine, living on sweets and sugar, leaving my holiday homework in a pile in the corner of my room, yelling at my brother to get out of my room and quit snooping around... Yup, typical holiday for me. And thank you to Killjoy66293 and Batmanskipper for supporting my story :) I found out that I am having problems with the plot of this story since I am so limited to a certain amount of computer time and that advanced plots are so beyond me that it hurts just thinking about it. Maybe that's just my brain lacking the usual school homework, assignments and projects. And scientific bits here and there :p**

3)

"So... Em... James," Johnson said as the three walked down the corridor. "Where are you from?" A trick Skipper always used on recruits, not that they had many. Most of them were careless enough to get picked off during training and killed during missions. This was, after all, only for the best of the best in the agency.

Hans inclined his head. "Classified."

This guy was smart. "But we're a team," Johnson continued. Manfreedy held the recorder behind his back as they talked. Skipper would want to listen to this.

"Only first names are revealed. The rest comes as time goes by and I'm not killed within six months. Still, everyone has secrets not even their best friends know," Hans smiled._ I have a lot,_ he thought. _And I'm not telling until I get busted, which is close to imposible. I did say close._

"Secrets, eh?" Manfreedy said. "Like what?"

"Classified. Not even Rockgut knows. It's not in my file."

"But everything's in your file. What you like to eat, favourite colour, so on and so forth."

They stopped at the door of their room. "Well..." Hans appeared to hesitate. "Could we get in first?"

When they got in, a black suitcase was on an extra bunk in the corner. Hans sat down on the bed. "This is a secret, right?I guess I could spare one..."

Manfreedy and Johnson were curious. What wasn't in his file?

"I kissed my senior's sister."

Manfreedy nearly dropped the recorder. "Of course that wouldn't be in the file..." Johnson said, biting his lip to stop himself from smiling. He failed.

Hans started unpacking. Manfreedy switched the recorder off. This recruit was slightly better than the rest, and did not outright answered every question asked. "What do you guys do for missions?"

"Retrieve classified stuff," Manfreedy said as he lay on his bed and stretched. "Real hard work. You got security squads, laser beams and missiles the last time."

"Thats classified, Sid..." Johnson said, being the pragmatist and down to earth.

Manfreedy sat up. "He's part of the team, John. It's not a secret either. I'm just telling him what's to expect tomorrow. The rest of the recruits failed miserably."

Hans raised an eyebrow. "They died?"

Manfreedy was surprised. "How... Why, you would guess, Hans. Yes, they were killed. But then again, the triple S doesn't need blockheads like them."

Hans thought of Savio. "Please, call me James."

Manfreedy lay back on his bed. "Kay. Good night, James. See ya tomorrow. It's gonna be a rough day, and try to stay alive. We think that recruits these days are going soft."

Johnson switched off the lights. "Many's right, and I can't really put it in another way."

Hans swallowed. "Don't worry. I'll be fine. I think."

He went under the covers and tapped his watch thrice. The face of the watch washed away, revealing that the watch was a screen with very small pixels. The pixels died down for a while, the light sensors getting to work. It glowed softly and Hans tapped the message button. He began to type.

"Great news. The snake's head is out of action. The body are pretty nice towards me. Waiting for more info soon. Hopefully will be alive tomorrow night -Bond"

He could not believe he was actually using the code name Blowhole got for him. Neverless, he pressed send.

The next morning, he got a text: "Please stay alive. I'm waiting -D"

He sighed as he changed the settings. Doris was falling for him. Almost every girl was. _I'm sure she'll get over it, _Hans thought as he got out of bed.

Skipper was there at breakfast. "Well done, James," Skipper said as Hans ate his cereal. "Something tells me you stand a better chance than all the other recruits. The record stands at a week."

"A week?" Hans choked.

"No. I was kidding. The first training usually was their last one," Skipper chuckled.

Hans swallowed the cereal and milk. "Thats good to know. So I just need to stay alive for a few hours or so?"

Skipper patted him on the back. "Eight and a half hours. That's for rookies. We are given five hours. If you die after that, it doesn't matter if you know our first names or not."

Johnson sat next to the recruit. "Don't worry. Skipper just doesn't like the recruits and delights in scaring them. Take it easy," he advised.

"Good. For a moment there I thought I was a goner."

"Technically you are," Johnson grimanced. "Sorry about that, but only the best of the best survives this."

"What's to expect?"

Johnson tapped his lips with a spoon. "Classified."

"And you guys have to do it too?"

Manfreedy joined in. "Yea. Unless you have some serious injury like a broken bone or something. It's to make sure we don't lose our touch. It changes everytime, and we were lucky a couple of times."

Hans enjoyed his breakfast. It reminded him of Doris as the milk was slightly sour and she simply loved serving it to Blowhole in a cup, with cereal, coffee...

Think about rejoining Doris again. He rethought that. Think about joining _Savio_ and teasing him again.

He sighed as he remembered what he had said. "Only because of the halfwit."

If he died, he was going after Savio.


End file.
